The Struggle of a Married Male-to-Female Cross-Dresser (3 Journal Entries)
Entry 1: Struggling Alone
At first glance, I am very passable as a man (laugh). Am I a transsexual? I don’t think so. However I often wished I were a woman. No, I am not gay. In fact, I am fairly happy with my marriage.
I have been involved in Christian service most my life and a crossdresser (cder) all my life. Although I’ve kept cding a secret, I didn’t really see it as “sin” until I was in my teens. Unfortunately, I have spent decades fighting the impulse. I would plead before God to take away my feelings, and sometimes would earn some temporary relief from my desires. However, eventually I come back to the same point I start from. This is very confusing and very depressing. My pillow is often wet from my tears. My attitude of self-condemnation is equally matched by my self-loathing.
I’ve attempted to seek counseling for it but do not know where to go.
I always give time, money and talents to the Church and have witnessed boldly for our Lord. For the most part, it is just this one thing (cding) that I deal with. Aside from that, I appear to be the model Christian man.
I’ve successfully stuffed my feelings and desires a couple of times. I hoped this would please God. Unfortunately, I can only control my urges and desires at a great personal and spiritual cost. It involves shutting down not just those undesirable feelings, but most of my other emotions as well.
As a result, I’ve became rather despondent. I had to shut down so much of my God-given nature in order to control my feelings and urges, that not much is left now. Not only am I miserable, but I am making everyone around me miserable as well.
I still function during the week. I still try and do all the right things, but more and more I am feeling sick. The weekends are spent mostly in bed sleeping or watching TV. I’m very depressed, and my wife keeps pleading with me to get help.
I wish I could tell her what is really going on.
Entry 2: When I finally told her:
I’d been in a major funk for awhile. My wife kept hounding and hounding me trying to get me to open up. So one day through tears, I finally told her what was going on. She looked surprised, but stayed very calm. We talked late into the night.
The next day she called a counselor (for herself) who told her it wasn’t her fault and that I may just be wired that way. I thought this would upset her, but it actually made it easier for her to talk to someone who was aware of transgender issues.
She has been extremely supportive, and has even let me explore my feminine side at home. I know how much of an effort this has been for her. I had tried to tell her a couple of times before by bringing up the subject, but she usually seemed to be turned off by it. I just felt like she would not understand or be receptive. I thought that perhaps she would even leave me. But I suppose it is different now that this is “my issue” and not some faceless stranger’s struggle.
Her willingness to talk to me about it is such a relief. I know it still troubles her, but she loves me and is willing to work this out. I am very blessed to have someone who is so patient.
Entry 3: Looking back, looking forward:
I had fought so hard and so long to deny myself. Now that I have given up, it really doesn’t matter if it is sin anymore. I am too tired to care. Isn’t 40 years of pleading for deliverance enough? If God was not answering my prayers, then perhaps I was praying for the wrong thing.
I know that God is still in my life and will not let go. His answer to my plea has come and it is a very loud “NO! I will not change you!”
He has made me this way for His purposes, not for mine, nor for someone else’s. Now that I can deal openly (at least somewhat) with my gender identity issue, I feel like a large weight has been lifted. Almost like being born again. God has freed me in much the same way as He freed the Apostle Paul from the worry about his thorn in the flesh (2 Corinthians 12).
Is it sin? Some would say “no.” Some would say “yes.” I’m not sure. I just know that I am a sinner regardless, a sinner saved by grace. So I plead with an expectant and thankful heart everyday for my God’s tender mercy.
If I could have changed it I would have. But I see my transgendered orientation now as a gift of grace for which I am thankful. I am aware now more than ever how much the work of the cross means.