A Typical Story of a Male to Female Cross-Dresser
For as far back as I can remember, I have wanted to be a girl. Early on I learned that this was not acceptable and so for most of my life I’ve struggled with this in secret. I grew up dreaming that if I wished hard enough when I went to sleep, I would awake a girl.
I once was discovered by my parents, and their disapproval only helped to reinforce the need for secrecy. For the most part I think I was happy. I grew up doing typical male things but never really fit in. As I grew, I played sports and did the things most boys did, but it always felt like a struggle. Every chance I got, I would sneak into my sister’s or mom’s bedroom and try on some of their clothing.
In met my wife in high school, and thought that getting married would solve most of my issues. After a short stint in the army, I dove into a career had children and am now looking forward to grandchildren. I’ve been able to keep my desires for the most part hidden and separate from my “normal” life.
I really thought that as I got older my feelings would get easier to manage. Now that I am into mid-life, I have found just the opposite to be true. My desire to be and act feminine is greater than ever.
A couple of times I have dressed up to the nines for Halloween and other party events, and I often think about these times. I really wish I could do more, but I am afraid of the repercussions.
I love my wife and my children, but sometimes I feel like I will go crazy. I have not spoken to my wife or really anybody in an open and honest way regarding my true feelings about myself, because I know that they would disapprove.
So, I continue to do those things expected of me, but I am not sure how much longer I can keep this secret to myself.
If this sounds like you, then you have come to the right place!
There are many factors that go into the feelings we get when we cross dress. A freedom through this self expression is a big one. Giving ourselves permission to express the mannerisms and emotions we normally attach to the “other” gender role is another. Escape from the daily commitments our male selves deal with is also huge.
When we are frustrated over something as basic as our gender, everything in our life will suffer. This dissatisfaction will almost certainly have you looking for comfort elsewhere. This usually means an increased desire to cross dress and participate in those activities that follow.
Most transgender experience a dramatic increase in their desire to cross dress between the ages of 45-65. For most if not all, the idea of sexual reassignment surgery (SRS) seems an unavoidable eventuality, but not a workable reality. The fact is, this is the time when andropause (the male version of menopause begins). During andropause your hormones are changing radically. It is not unlike puberty.
It is important to find a therapist you can trust. Talking with a medical doctor is also a good idea. Remember, you are not alone in this.
Be warned though, many doctors and therapists will want to prescribe drugs or hormones right away. Doctors love drugs. If they think a pill has a chance of doing it for you, then they are more than willing to oblige. This, however, may not be the best course of action. Take the time to weigh all our alternatives before making a radical life changing choice.
Your feelings, although very intense, may change after awhile and you should give them time to run their course.
Your body chemistry may be changing and so will your attitudes as well.
Those who identify as transgender are almost always a combination of both genders. Most in our society don’t allow for deviation outside of strictly male and female gender roles and your attempts to do so will be noticed. Finding a way to express your personhood over your gender is difficult, but worthwhile. Discovering what your niche is along the gender spectrum is what will foster true self-acceptance and peace. What that eventually leads to needs to be unwrapped thoughtfully and carefully.
Try to accept yourself as you are now, and you will be able to make a better choice for the future. “Accepting yourself” can mean a lot of things. What does that mean to you?