How to Begin a Conversation With Your Wife
There is no single “right way” to approach your spouse.
The first conversation should focus on your story and your feelings. Your story is neither morally wrong nor right. It is simply your story. Your spouse will have very strong feelings about what you are sharing and will need time to process those feelings. Your partner’s first reaction will be more emotional than cerebral. Whatever objections you may encounter from family will be fueled by their emotions. If you and your spouse are close, a frank discussion of your feelings (frustrations and struggles) would be best. You have dealt with this for a long time now, and they are more than likely just finding out for the first time. Your first talk should be focused on sharing your feelings.
One way that does not work well, is to “surprise” your family with a presentation of your female alter-ego. Don’t sit your spouse and the children down in the living room and then disappear for two hours, only to return as “Betty.” This is rarely received well. It is best to come out to people one at a time rather than in a group setting.
Try not to be on the defensive or the offensive. It’s best to deliver the information from a neutral position. Finger pointing and ultimatums do not work well either.
There are some good clinical resources concerning transgender and gender issues. You might be tempted to plead your case based on those. Clinical information will be helpful down the road, however a clinical dialogue is not the best approach for an initial discussion.
One approach you may want to consider is to open up the topic by asking them if they have ever dealt with gender issues. They may have frustrations with roles at home or on the job. They may want experiences that are normally outside of their cultural gender role. Start your conversation by asking them to share how they feel and then share how you feel.
You have a lot to share, but this “telling” is not about you. It is about them. Start somewhere on common ground and build slowly on that. Give the process some time.
We get our “sense-of-self” largely from those around us. We rely on the input of others for our identity: How they treat us, how they define us, and if we are accepted or not. We compare and contrast ourselves to others as well: What is their personality compared to ours? What level of education do they have compared to us? How does their career compare to ours? What do they look like compared to us? They, in turn, get their “sense of self” through comparisons and contrasts with us.
Someone who changes (even for a time) something as basic as their gender, changes not only how they are perceived, but also how those they are familiar with perceive themselves. A strong negative reaction to your cross dressing by family, friends and co-workers has a lot to do with how the cross dressing directly affects their identity.
Before you tell, ask yourself why you want to. If you are planning on living full-time in your new gender-divergent role, then telling them will more than likely be unavoidable. If this is a part-time expression (cross dressing) you will have more options on who to tell and when.
What are your motives? (Ask yourself the following)
1. How much should I tell?
2. Do I want to “shock” them to illicit a reaction?
3. Am I telling them only so my life will be more convenient?
4. Am I hoping to distance myself from them? (i.e.: If you wish to leave your wife, but want to shift blame onto her by saying, “Hey I was honest, but she was not accepting.”)
5. Am I more excited about my new found freedom or path than how they will feel about me pursuing it?
6. Do they really need to know about my gender identity issues?
7. Will it improve or degrade my relationship?
8. How old are they, and will the information hurt them needlessly, or do they absolutely have to know?
9. Am I trying to make it easier on them or on me?
10. Do they have a context in which to understand my words and feelings?
11. Do I wish to be honest and open?
12. Am I planning on blaming them for my “condition?”
13. Am I in a rush? If so, why?
These questions are important not only to determine if you should tell, but what do you want to achieve by telling. Try to have a clear idea on what you would like to achieve.
Please see the worksheet outline “Share Your Story” for additional help and information.